Movie : Fantastic Four

Well, don't exactly listen to the poster. Okay, I'm going to bottle up anything and everything to do with the comic... After all, Spider-Man changed the web-shooters, and we LOVE Spidey. Batman Begins removed almost every drop of comic book juice from 60 some years of a character and we loved it. So, who in Hollywood we trust. After all, Transformers is sounding... never mind, this is the day of the Fantastic Four.

With War of the Worlds aging like a open can of soda at a company picnic (on a really HOT day), this review is about the wimp that backed off and gave the colossus it's space. Of course we were the idiots who lined up to see an invasion when the movie's tagline read " "They're already here." Why is War relevant to FF? Well, the studios thought there was a relationship, since both were jockeying for July 4th to open. "Two for flinching" is a very grade school attitude, but it's a box-office rule. FF backed down and said, sight unseen, that Cruise and Spielberg would take the weekend. Both of these movies have some common ground. Weak ass climaxes being the worst common offense. To close this part off before cutting into the movie. FF was better. It wasn't a greater cinematic experience than WotW, but it's a better movie. With one simple thing, when I saw WotW a second time the spark was already gone. FF's best moments aren't gutpunches, they're great, FUN, character moments.

The MOVIE review.
This was a light hearted movie, it's the fluffiest movie I've seen this summer that wasn't kiddy fare. Even with almost every woman in it being a stone cold bitch. The initial reactions of people to the Thing are pure shit. When you see it, you'll know the modern definition of marriage boys, yea, the moment on the bridge... pure shit.. oh, and what the fuck were the cops doing with their guns drawn? Thoughtless shit. I'm not going to list all the flotsam stuck to this thing... as a summer flick, it's worth seeing. Great for a cheapy show. Why? Even though I'm getting ready to kill this movie in the way it deserves to be bled to death...
Johnny Storm Rules! Thing (don't... no... I must...) ROCKS! But, not in action scenes... there, he sucks. Actually, Thing as a summer action setpiece... SUCKS HARD. His suit is crap, think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. Yup, the cheap turtle suits. We're almost in Flash TV show quality. The Live action Guyver movie had better costumes. Thing's paint peeling neck (bridge sequence, look for it) is inexcusable after Helboy. Michael Chiklis' performance is wonderful. He even saves bad moments of the script, but it's Chris Evans who deserves to become a star. Evans as the torch carries the movie. It shouldn't. But this actor deserves good, big action movies.

The Comic as toilet paper.
This piece of shit was WAY too dark. Why the hell do these characters spend the first half of the movie hating each other? Why is every woman a stone cold bitch? Doom? Reed? Sue? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???
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We interupt this impending execution of a movie that steamrollered the comic to bring you the probable development meeting of the movie, from whenever it happened.

SUIT

Okay people, Sony has a hit and it has a name and that name is Spiderman! Now, I want a big comic book movie and I want it to be as much like Spiderman as possible. Here's what it needs. First, We need a corprate CEO as a villian. The other board members are going to threaten him with buisness stuff. He'll dress in green and have a mask that doesn't move or emote!

WRITER

But sir, we came up with, instead of Doom wearing armor and not wanting to seem like Darth Vader with our release date being so close to Star Wars, that he'd be organic metal. Like the Thing becomes Rock, he'd become metal. That way we can have him emote, and have his face move?

SUIT

Well dammit, I want him to have an unmoving mask. Put it on top of his metal face.

WRITER

Where would he get it.

SUIT

Have it in an awards case. This, Thing he's depressed, why?

WRITER

Because he's ugly.

SUIT

Nonsense. He needs to fill the shelves at Walmart. Kids are going to be asking for his hands at toyzmas. Give him a bitch of a wife, dumps him hard and cold! Speaking of it, This Sue and Reed thing... what's wrong with them, in this damn graphic novel they like, don't have any problems... Women are whores, have her fucking the villian. Fucking whores.

WRITER

Sir, we have one other female character...

SUIT

There were only two in the script.

WRITER

You added a wife to dump the thing. Two plus one equals three.

SUIT

Well, make her a bitch too. Girls don't buy toys.

WRITER

The character is blind.

SUIT

Fine, make her sweet and loving and a minority. That way no one can bitch about what misogynistic racists we are. Heh, we'll even score points with blind people!!

The above account, is purely ficticious, it just happens to fit the piece o' crap you slung at us and called Fantastic Four.

But, it's not total shit. And personally, I hope you guys get to make a couple more.

Her's just a little suggestion... let the characters like each other. Okay, to be fair, in the last half of the movie, the out of place conflict between the characters disappeared. Except for the Thing... what he does, and then does is dog crap. Demote that writer to coffee boy. Shit, really, screw the WGA credits, how many writers did this thing have? It's all over the place as a movie. A mess. With... good parts.