For every year, I'm listing every movie I've seen and compare them all to each other asking one question; Which movie do I like more. Movies that score in the 80th percentile or higher, advance to the next round: Favorite of the Decade. After each Decade is done, an All Time list will be formed.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
What's that figure out to? a 17 Thousand Light Year radius before bumping into ET? That'll be math for a later time....
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Bay sounds tepid, damn tepid. You have a release date and you're blowing off Transformers... Transformers doesn't need Michael Bay... It needs someone who cares, not someone trying to get some coin off of any "family" franchise that comes along. Bay, go do a Veggie tales movie. Just do something you love.
Winner: A New Hope. Well, that would be no surprise. It set the standard at a place that was either avoided by the sequels or respected by the prequels. This shot in all of the movies tries to be the tone setter, but that Star Destroyer chasing the Tantive IV is still the best one. I wouldn't mind a little more detail on the Star Destroyer in future editions, but that would just be gravy. Of all of the openings, with the different pan & scans of the shot and finnially DVD, and even an IMAX remake of it, fans have gotten to see it again for the first time, many times!
Runners up: A TIE! Scoring both 4 points each, Episode II and III's Coruscant openings. They're both at Coruscant, both play with camera turns and angles. Both have fighter craft. But... you know this category may have to be reconsidered. Does the opeing shot count THE ENTIRE SHOT? Sith has the "Waterfall shot" after the pan, it's one move, one continous shot...
This category is on hold until another viewing or so of Sith. So, is is just the initial pass, of the full length of the "shot"? This should have nothing to do with the context of the opening. Obviously the Vader entrance in ANH is different, as would be the assassination attempt on Amidala in AOTC.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Anyway enough with brain killing television. Movie Trailers are far more fun and I've seen some good ones on my friend the internet... All, or most of these should be on Apple. Here's some worthy of downloading!!!!
The Davinci Code: Fuck this being a cultural phenomenon, a year before the movie even is out every TV network including National Geographic has had a DOCUMENTARY on the fucking NOVEL. I can't wait for the movie, really, it has a cast I love and a director who I love when we agree on subject matter. What I say fuck to is that people need National Geographic to tell them the book is fiction. This will be all over the place next summer too, when the movie starring Tom Hanks comes out. For a follow up National Geographic and the History Channel need to show me that Forest Gump was fiction too.
The Deep Blue: Episode III was very pretty, this has more amazing visuals, and they're all fish. Not the type of shit you see in the store or on bassmasters... Very pretty and amazing stuff!!! Many of the larger species they'll show are on endangered lists and won't be around when you have grandkids, soak this up now.
Goblet of Fire! : Ohhhhhhhhhh Fucking WICKED. That was so cool. I do kinda love this series. May they never recast the kids. Richard Harris being gone hurts enough. The series started out good and is actually getting better with each flick. The DVD's are questionable though. Okay they're cereal box prizes, utter kid fluff as if you can't be over 12 and like these movies.
Flightplan: If this movie is good, it smells like one that even the trailer tells too much. It's a thriller with Jodie Foster and Sean Bean (Boromir). The trailer looks GOOD, I'm sold on the movie, and want to forget the damn trailer. DO NOT SEE THE TRAILER. Gives TOO MUCH AWAY.
March of the Penguins : The voice of God Almighty and penguins. I liked. It's a documentary, probably not up many other alleys.
Sky High: This was so much fun. Like X-Men's daughter Buffy the TV show fucked the Incredibles. The computer who wore tennis shoes is back at Disney... Wait, Disney is doing the type of movies they did last time they told Animation to screw cupcakes. So like 2014 they'll do one as good as Lion King again?
Corpse Bride: Not much to say but yay!
Fantastic Four: (International Internet exclusive trailer) This flick is starting to rival Jefferson County for most trailers. Fuck. Let's think about this...
Dear Paul of 1995, In the Year 2005 A Transformers Live action movie will be in production, Star Wars Episode III will kick much ass, Frank Miller's Sin City will kick off a fucking Trilogy of movies directed by Robert Rodriguez (the El Mariachi guy) and Frank Miller. Hellblazer will get a movie, but it'll be called Constantine. I realize you dig on Batman Forever but having a U2 song does not help the movie, it sucks. Not the song, the movie. The next one will be so much worse, as will the next U2 album and girlfriend... But about 2005. U2 will have 2 redeeming albums and tours to boot, a NEW Batman franchise will start up and it looks very kick ass, Spider-Man movies will be in between sequels, Superman will actually be in production, still (long story) BUT the icing on the cake... A LIVE ACTION Fantastic Four!
Fuck I'd have to tell myself it looks like shit. I soooooooooo want to love this movie, that I forgot to tell myself about War of the Worlds and give a message to alter history to save HHGTTG from sucking. Damn wormholes created by regret. If the movie was worth a shit, you'd know what I was talking about.
Red Eye: Ooooo maybe rent worthy.
Wedding Crashers: More money for Blockbuster.
I won't bitch about the awful previews, or previews of awful movies like; The Skeleton Key, November ( Gee, lemme guess, she did it and made up the guy who got away!), Bomb the System (This is the type of movie that kinda bores me, and people who commit vandalism are not heroes!)
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Monday, May 23, 2005
Basically, the way this works A list of all possible contenders goes on the left side of a grid, and on the top of a grid. Each is compared to all the others. The favorite gets a 1. The other gets a 0. In a tie, a - is given to each, standing for .5. Totals go on the right hand side and a result is produced.
Favorite Asteroid Field.
Winner: Anoat system. Empire's asteroid field is riddled with creatures, large and small bodies, and decimated an Imperial fleet. This beauty took a hell of a shit load of work from ILM and was next to impossible to pull off back in the day. Though technical merit (for the time) and visual spectacle skew differently for both trilogies, it's hard to ignore on some issues. While Geonosis rings are beautiful on film, they did not have a giant slug or bash the hell out of Star Destroyers. Note: This is not comparing the ship chases that took place, just the environment itself as a fixture in the movie.
Runner up: Polis Massa. There are so many reasons this should have won... Damn that Han Solo mojo left on the Anoat system. I remember these vague images of Space 1999 when I was a kid, and Polis Massa is the moon base of our dreams. Moreover, if Luke Skywalker had a birth certificate, this would be on it. Damn. It has neat inhabitants to boot, not just a great asteroid field, this is one of the neatest locations in the saga, and in the locations showdown, will probably fare well.
Next up: Opening Flyover.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
"Sex, Lies & Secrets"
"Everybody Hates Chris"
We know UPN, we're gone already. One show of the fall season does sound interesting... Fathom on NBC. NBC says it's like James Cameron's "The Abyss". Which is good, I like a good Abyss ripoff, and always have. There was a comic that ripped off the Abyss, it was called Fathom. The TV series and Comic have absolutely nothing to do with each other, other than James Cameron fandom. Seriously, Fathom looks like the only piece of shit on network TV I'll watch. Okay Wheel of Fortune is nice... So is Jeopardy... American Idol gets DVR'd and watched for 5 minutes... And OK I watch the Apprentice, but it's getting a little stale, It's honestly not the programs fault, just the people they pick to be on there. But this seasons winner... Kendra Todd, Look at her website, What is Trump's 250 Grand a year going to do for her?
Astro City! Battle Angel (yay Cameron is BACK!!!), Captain America... Zemekis is doing Beowulf! A third Jason Bourne movie... The Children of Men sounds good, maybe it's the Clive Owen love... (If King Arthur had been after Sin City... no not that much love) BTW, Sin City 2 and 3 are listed!!!! TWO MORE SIN CITY MOVIES!!!! Both in 2007. Interesting note, Sin City 3 will be directed by Frank Miller!?! Oh hot damn. Dragonball Z, live action PG-13 and all... wow that could go either way, and if it sucks, yank your ass through concrete.
Not a geeky movie per se, well Michael Mann directing almost puts it there, Damage control sounds really good, Mann and Jamie Foxx together again. Harry Potter: Order of the Phoinex, actually waitress make our orders double, and bring us some to go boxes. Iron Man. The Lovely Bones, PJ's post Kong little movie... we'll still go, after Kong we should be completely zombified. Rockfish... could be cool. Shantaram. Shi, I'll believe it when we see a full trailer. Six Million Dollar Man, and Land of the Lost will take shots at making us laugh at our childhood. Spider-Man 3. another TMNT movie???? Tripods alien invasion movie, I'm a happy clam. and Wolverine!!! Please be Ninja's by the bucket!
Could go either way: Sam and George, Mel and Donner together, but in a drama... a convict drama. I like oatmeal, but this makes me think of when other people think of oatmeal... ugh.
Warnings: Bee Movie (we're gonna feel like we get hit over the head with this... it may be good, but after the marketing ONSLAUGHT, Madagascar will feel like a mosquito bite.) His Dark Materials; word has been that it's been pissed on already... pity. In the Pink, just what we always wanted Cher and Britney Pears in the same movie. Fuck. Bette Midler's in it too? Awwww FUCK! Toy Story 3, is not Pixar, even if the brand name somehow get put on it, it is not Pixar. And last, in 07, we're getting some more Star Trek urine from Berman... He has every right to laugh Matt, cause you'll go see it, I'll go see it... fuck we're retarted. We need to just boycott Trek so long as Berman is attached.
2008: Here's the Imdb list as it currently looks...
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Yay!)
Hokuto no Ken - Kenshirô densetsu (Fist of the North Star)
Kung Fu Panda (2008) (interesting....
On the Line (2008) -- Hey it's about Motocross!!!! (If I MUST avoid one of these films, I mean really avoid... this is at the top of the list.
Puss in Boots (2008) (Yay again!)
The point: If there are rules to what all movies should be, then all movie that get every check down the list would all be exactly the same. Here's a thought experiment to provide proof: (Since everyone likes saying "The dialouge sucks" as if they've just knocked out their tenth play and a book of sonnetts)
"You best start believing in ghost stories Miss Turner. You're in one." Is a SHITTY line. It sucks. Disagree? Pictured Barbossa saying it as the moon reveals his ghostly form? You damn right you did, and there it's cool as penguins. Imagine Shaggy saying it in a Scooby Doo movie... not bad there either. Now, give it to Laurence Fishburne in What's Love Got to Do with It, It would suck.
I remember Roger Ebert saying that he judged movies by what they were trying to be. If a drama gets you on the floor laughing (like Pearl Harbor) It may have failed at being a drama. It's not a good comedy, it's a bad movie. The ultimate judges and saviors of which were a man, stranded on a space station, and his robot companions.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
There is a convention it seems, that there are a few perfect movies we can all agree on... mostly. Jaws comes to mind, the first Star Wars, and Empire... the cliche's are Casablanca and Citizen Kane, and the Godfather. More modern entries into this fraternity are Return of the King and The Shawshank Redemption. There are more I know, I've just picked these to make a point... Most Great movies, or great AND successful movies are simple. Jaws; Kill the shark. Star Wars; Save the princess and blow up the Death Star. Empire; Have your ass handed to you for what you did in the last movie. Casablanca; Pick one, him or me. Citizen Kane; What is [a sled]? Shawshank Redemption, Godfather and Return of the King aren't so easily boiled down... Shawshank has had possibly the smallest audience of these movies, Godfather had enough violence, wit and style to win the masses, and King has spectacle and Peter Jackson keeping the movie damn simple for those who don't lend themselves into deep and multi-layered stories... Toss the ring into the volcano. One thing is true of all of these, they didn't seem as perfect at first glance.
Revenge isn't a simple story, that's never a bad thing, but for the masses it has one simple point get the guy back in black!
This has been talked to fucking death. Vader = cool as shit... we know, I just saw the movie again in the first 24 hours... $8.50 a ticket is going to add up... (The BIGGEST FUCKING CRIME TO THIS MOVIE IS FILM... the brief glimpse of DLP at celebration was a movie ruining experience... I can still enjoy movies at the theater, but I know better is immediately possible.) Back to Vader... ya, Cinema's greatest villian... so I have nothing to say, at least about him.
I'd like to nominate a strong canidate for any top villian list, and if you watch this PT back to back or within a week, Palpatine hits the mark. His character ascends a retroperception of this saga. "Always two there are, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice" That statement makes no sense unless you keep a replacement or at least replacement canidates in ready. The phantom meanace had plotted the revenge of the Sith, Lord Maul says so in Episode I. Why would a pacifist so quickly wed a Jedi who just admitted to laying waste to an indigenous tribe? What a sweet revenge upon the woman who caused him just a little difficulty in his galactic conquest, carry the successor to her husband.
Dooku proves to be a second master stroke. Palpatine recruits as his interim apprentice the master who taught the Jedi who found Anakin, and trained the padawan who killed his own apprentice.
In Jedi Luke says "You've failed your highness" (Yes he did) "I am a Jedi, like my father before me." Luke, we hate to break it to you, but that Sith Lord you just cut down, didn't make much of a Jedi, he did hop onto the other team at his first chance... besides if you we a true Jedi, like Yoda counciled Anikin to be with his little speech about rejoicing when people join the force and letting go of whatever you're afraid to loose, Han would have never gone off the wall. Balance to the force gets rid of both teams. Luke is a passionate hero, the classic hero. He's NOT the chosen one, he's the balance to the Force, hence Yoda, Anikin and Obiwan looking on in approval.
Then what's Leia? What? Palpatine always had a backup. Balance should have one to. She wasn't needed in the end, concilation prize one Naboo retreat by a lake and a corellian Smuggler who aint to shabby around the house.
This is all terrific if you're a Star Wars fan, if you've just seen the movies and enjoyed them casually... Gee, the Darth characters are ussually the meat of the flick. I'm sure Maul seemed like an unfamiliar imitation of Darth Vader with no similarity... (note: We've all heard people who thought Episode I took place after Jedi, or that Anakin was actually young Luke or Luke's kid right?) Well, Vader is the gold standard name-brand villian and he's back, and the clones look like storm troopers... If you have no appreciation for the plot, go on calling the Arc fighters X-Wings and wondering how Yoda got off Dagobah, and enjoy.
But, The HIGHEST PRAISE this flick can get is that my son who just turned 3, who waited in line with us for 5 hours, asked when the credits rolled "Are they going to play it again?"
He's only seen it once, but he handed me the Anakin lightsaber and had a blue one for himself. He stood back and said, no shit, "I have the high ground!" so I swiped at him and he jabbed at me so I fell over, and he yelled at me; "You were the chosen one!" and walked away.
I took me about two days to fall into a "cool movie high" over Sith. The initial reaction was one of love (not romantic you twits..) of the series, and regret that its gone... BUT thoughts quickly went to another bit of childhood. Basically we've waited 20+ years for Sith... Since that realization that we were not getting one in '86 though it felt like we should. Well, we've been dreaming of Live action Transformers for over 20 years as well. Lucas wasn't destroying our childhood with the prequels, he was giving us EXACTLY what Obi-Wan was talking about in episode IV. Don't believe me; check out the dirt on the floor of the Jedi council chamber in Sith... So the ball is now in Dreamworks and Michael Bay's hands... Star Wars bloomed, don't you dare fuck up the Transformers. (G.I. Joe, we're keeping our eyes in your direction too... think Angelina Jolie as the Baroness)
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Of course I saw a midnight showing at the Esquire... but I'm still too sensory blown to comment. Ugh...It GuuuooohhuuD. That doesn't work for me. The real issues are so many.... What makes a perfect movie? Where does this rank in the saga? What was my favorite moment? Fav line? (probably one about a "little green friend") Am I going to see it again tonight? (Gonna sure as hell try!)
I can say this much right away.... I can BITCH and PRAISE the trailers before it.
The Cinderella Man: Oh, SHIT! Fuck, Opie needs matching trophies, fine, I like him and ussually enjoy his movies, but am cursed it seems to see them once and never get the urge ever again... but damn you guys, a BOXING movie just won an Oscar, couldn't you shelve this movie for a year of two... It's Rocky meets The Greatest Game Ever Played. And not shown to the right crowd either, actually the AMC lil' film dude got more respectful silence.
The Island: Just sit right back and see a flick, a flick of a fimiliar sthick, it's directed by Micheal Bay and I'm trying not to get sick, ... Here on Gilogan's Run! Writers and Director of Transformers, like Haywood Floyd in 2010, Verne and I HAVE to be there. Matt should come with us, we can then lament or become more hopeful with the hands the OTHER (aside from having Star or Wars in the title) 20 year wait movie is in. I wish Spielberg was doing Transformers, but I did at one time love Micheal Bay...
Batman: Fuck having Begins in the title... Be as good as THAT trailer, and the Burton/Schumaker era will be nicely all but wiped from traumatic memory. Imagine, Batman without compromises... BE as good as that trailer!
Mr. and Mrs. Smith: Oh god that looks fun, and she looks better than ever. I always thought Angelina Jolie's looks were overhyped... in just the previews, she's lived up to every bit of it.
War of the Worlds: ...in Spielberg I TRUST... ...in Spielberg I TRUST... ...in Spielberg I TRUST... ...in Spielberg I TRUST... ...in Spielberg I TRUST...
Narnia: Same Trailer I commented on before. Looks good on a big screen, BUT, I don't mind a CGI look so much as many people.
Fantastic Four: And the crowd goes wild... Now, they MAY have been just applauding the 20th Century fox logo at the begining of the Trailer thinking Star Wars was coming on. But, there was some positive fan vibe in the theater, and even I'll admit, this trailer looks like it may escape blowing bull cock like a state champion cockslut would... It's probably blow like a typical High School prayer group leader... Many fans will enjoy since one thing has been consistant, and is even more present this time... it's Johnny Storm the Movie, every one else is friends with his sister.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! WOW!!!Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Beautiful!Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Must See! Mmmmmmmmmmmm Miyazaki !!!! MUST SEE. M U S T S E E. I'm done.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Sunday, May 15, 2005
There are movies that I WANT to see, but seem not to have even been made, and I'm looking for them constantly.
I found this when I was looking for more info on Light Years aka Gandahar ; Link
Saturday, May 14, 2005
"The Forge", "Awakening", and "Kir'Shara" (episodes 4.07 - 4.09) were actually brilliant in their writing and entirely immersive in their visuals. The story made a large chunk of the entire three previous seasons have a point, larger than that of an unnecessary temporal cold war...
Slight tangent: Enterprise and the Temporal Cold War... Paul, you bragged about the show, but now you rip on the TCW??? You're a big fat hypocrites! No, I didn't say it wasn't enjoyable, I said it was unnecessary. Star Trek cannon (not fan-fic novels, but the shows and movies) had eluded and specified enough things about this era that they didn't need the TCW, they didn't even need view screens. Cut outside of the craft to some of those lovely cgi effects, and the audience knows what's happening, cut inside to characters who have to imagine what's going on... Never mind. This series was one botch job after another in the department of creativity... Most of the sins are clearly on Rick Berman and Brandon Braga's head... The cast and the writers did so much to make the show everything it was, not to mention whoever designed the opening title sequence... Okay multiple tangents... Forgive...
Where were we... ya, The Vulcan arc brought the seminal aliens of Star Trek to a point of connectivity with TOS. 85 episodes into the series that would serve as a prequel to the voyages of Kirk, and we have, what maybe eight, that serve that purpose? The rest of the time is spent with a historical event so monumental (the Xindii attack and the NX voyage) that it is never, NEVER mentioned nor has any consequences for the next 200 years, nor do we ever see the Denobulans in that time or the Xindii and the Xyrillian's two races inside federation territory with technology surpassing humanity's by centuries. We'll give this last bit the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps when they changed from the Gregorian calendar to the stardate system Starfleet academy's semester schedule was trimmed slightly, in the curriculum shortening, the term of the course Extraterrestrial Technologies, which was organized by species in alphabetical order.
I did enjoy Enterprise. I could swear I did. On with the story, after "Kir'Shara" well, here's a brief recap of the season....
"Daedalus" : Shitty transporter ghost stuff... No real fun.
"Babel One": Oooo, the series is flying high!!!!
"United": We gave a whole season and change to the Xindii plot, we'll give the cornerstone of the federation 40 minutes... Change the opening to say FUCK OFF TREKKER why don't you?
"The Aenar": I enjoyed. I'm a sucker for Shran. They know the fans were too. They even will squeeze him into the series finale, but they'll be damned to update that info on StarTrek.com
"Affliction" If I had had a Blog at the time, I'd have proof, but damn, I swear my phone was tapped (I'm kidding about that)...
"Divergence" We're firmly back to Trek two-parter rules here...
"Bound" Ehh, so what. If Anyone tells me it was good because of the girls, I say you need to Jerk off more. There are things I like for the sexy girls, it's called porn. Not Buffy, nor Smallville or insert show that someone you know watches for the primary reason that "_____ is so hot." I'm sick of hearing it. Get porn. Yes, I think Tina Fey is the sexiest woman on TV, because she's smart, sexy and funny. I'm not beating off to Tina Fey when I'm watching SNL.
"In a Mirror, Darkly: Parts 1 and 2" I don't get it. Mirror Mirror was fun, I know there was a Deep Throat Nine episode or 2 of this, was it consistent with Mirror Mirror? I don't see the logic... Lots of big gaping and contradictory plot holes, this was just for fun. It was fun. Even the bare midrifts (I didn't say I don't want sexy women on my TV shows, I just don't want to hear that they're a justification for watching what would otherwise be called crap.) and catfights, the last of the FX shot budget for the season damn near... Thank you for the full bodied Tholian, the costumes, it was enjoyable fluff getting as many checks on the list of shit we the fans were getting screwed out of by cancellation.
"Demons" A realistic (politically and emotionally, not necessarily technically) and well written recipe to get Rodenberry to spin in his grave. Majel is a tough looking lady, I wouldn't piss her off. But this is a necessary birth pang of Rodenberrys world.
"Terra Prime" I was liking, until the shit about the baby. Science Fiction is like a good Game, especially Role Playing Games which tend to have a complex fabric of rules. When you set something down, you can't contradict it easily. The emotional reaction and Flox's idiocy about this baby sink the episode... What do you mean? Been here... Done it... "E2" I don't care that he was an old starship captain and it was an infant. BOTH were their child, as any parent, the age of the child don't fucking matter. For never having been knocked up, T'pol has lost a son and a daughter...
When the credits rolled, we were halfway through the last night of new Enterprise ever... Then...
"These Are The Voyages..." Episode: #4.22 - 13 May 2005
This is Star Trek, never mind that the credits say "based on" it is... With an imitation Enterprise-D, a poorly reconstructed holodeck and a pitiful arch... Dear Paramount, the show was on for 7 season and is on Spike... A lot. Worse, it takes place during a good TNG episode. If you missed the seventh season "The Pegasus" episode of TNG (with Terry O'Quinn: Lost, Alias, West Wing, X-Files... Damn I bet he has a nice house, I didn't list SHIT that he's done.. All that, just a small bit of his list) You have NO IDEA what's going on with Riker. There's also the matter that Frakes and Sirtis are not 12 years younger than they are right now... None of us are, I weigh a small person more than I did back then. I'm not wanting to knock them for aging, but Frakes looks very close to how he appeared in "All Good Things", and Sirtis... May have had some work done. I'm not touching this anymore..... Their characters got married in the last movie... Like I said before, give em a kid, show their characters helping them with his/her homework and that's fine. We all get that. "The Pegasus" is WAY too obscure... Oh, and the rest of the episode. SUCKED ASS. Every one was phoning this in, and it looked cheap to boot. The only decent thing was closure, in a way, of the Shram character. You fuckers didn't even let Archer found the Federation, he was supposed to be George fucking Washington, no you gave us Samuel Huntington. Why would Riker look on that. My analogy isn't even appropriate... You have archer signing some stupid treaty that LEADS TO the founding of the Federation. What a waste. Berman, if you hate Trek so damn much, leave. Please go. Paramount hates it, Berman hates it, both conspire to drive the fans away, ditch the thing. Sell it to somebody who gives a shit.
The ending shot was appropriate... Seeing Enterprise trying to fit with the two ships of the two REAL and GOOD Trek series...
A long while back, before the Vulcan arc, I was talking with my friend Matt about Trek and Enterprise. I commented that it was really good, it never hits the high points, transcends being merely good like TOS and TNG did. No "City on the Edge of Forever"... No "Inner Light" from this show, but there wasn't too many "Spock's Brain" or "Shades of Grey" either. I should have known better... Enterprise had a clod at the helm that wouldn't take a chance on a "Spock's Brain" to get a "COTEOF"...
Berman got the last word, and buried Enterprise as a sub-par imitator, lacking in every way. Some of the best actors, sets, FX, and writers Trek ever had... Well, it wasn't Trek, it was just "Based on" Trek this whole time.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Every hour of regular programing, on the Science Channel, you can hear a soundbite of proffessor Kakusaying our world is on the verge of a revolution in robotics... Oh my, I've heard it so many times I forgot exactly what he says... Anyway, he's a noted proffessor of theoretical physics, and has eared the honor of having the most incomplete IMDB profile I've ever seen. On the Internet Movie Database, he's in 6 things plus 3 quest appearances on one TV show. Paul, it's the Internet MOVIE Database, he may be ubiquitous on the Science Channel but he's not a movie star. Well, documentaries are listed on there right along awards shows, so Prof. Kaku's agent should write a big correction to the folks at IMDB... who have finally Listed The Shape of the World as a title, with Patrick Stewart as narrator... no other credits... so when will that series ever be seen again????
Sunday, May 08, 2005
I, traditionally don't like, can't stand, don't buy into transport fantasy. Okay, I almost hate it. Whenever characters from our world go to fantasy land, I wanna gag on something. Right now I should go get a bottle of ipecac syrup.
Transport Fantasy is when you come from a "real" world to one that admit's its less real, and less valid than your real world. They'll have chacters that hate their life in the real world and would rather be somewhere else, and when they get somewhere else, they're offerend everthing they could ask for and all they ever ask for is to go home. This shit always feels like it's fantasy, written by people who hate fantasy and want you to pull your head out of fantasy books and join the real world by going to church.
But .... the trailer didn't look bad. It actually looks pretty good, considering the unfortunate transport fantasy thing.
Checklist of offenders...
Wizard of Oz, yes. I can't believe people like it... I've known people who like it, but can't watch Casablanca or Citizen Kane cause they're old. (How the fuck can this asshole hate the Wizard of Oz? A: CBS. Before cable and home Video, they beat this movie to death. Then they aired it as counter programming to NBC showing the broadcast premiere of Return of the Jedi.) Now, I know keeping a woman who want's you a little dead on a chain, long enough to choke you to death with IS as stupid as having a bucket of water, which will melt you instantly, hanging on the wall. But, A: Jabba could assume that Boba Fett would be watching his back, B: What can leai do, she's a girl? Sexism doesn't come in on the Wicked Witch's side...
Neverending Story, No. Though the boy is transported there in the end, most of the movie is exempt from this fault, and EVERYONE wants to Vomit at that movies ending. We still love it anyway.
Harry Potter Series, No. Hogwarts is in our world.
Flash Gordon, walking that fine line there.... kinda iffy. For the Dino pic we'll say yes. It get's that feel that makes transport fantasy so sickening when Flash plays football. Such drek.
Buck Rodgers and Farscape... At their best, No. At their worst, hell yes.
Labrynth, Very guilty, BUT not vomit enducing... but maybe the ending with them in her room should be... Labrynth is a good example of getting away with it...
When I think of others, I'll add em here...
Masters of the Universe... the one with our Friends Monica and Tom Paris from Voyager... Eternia is a perfectly reasonable setting for a motion picture, no Skeletor would rather conquer suburbia, cause the real world is more important than your toys. The steam engine and the telescope started out as toys, as did electricity... James Watt, Galaleio and Benji Franklin shouldn't have played with toys either, is that what they're trying to say? Fuck those squares. I like all the toys in my office, and trust people a lot less who don't own toys.
Verne mentioned a list of 'em to me....
The Pagemaster, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, one of the Beastmaster flicks... yes that old D&D cartoon... shit, that was thismorning, and I can't remember, I need to start taking notes.
Ones I should almost pile on to this pile of wretch... The Last Starfighter... and Flight of the Navigator. They're cose enough at times to almost make one sick, espicially Navigator. But then, really Navigator is basically the same movie as E.T. kinda... ok E.T. is a masterpiece, I profess to hate it and it still makes me cry. Every time. If you ever want to dare your physical constitution at how much E.T. could have sucked the life right out of you, watch Mac and Me. If.... IF you make it to the end credits, you may be half greek god, or from Krypton.
Fumio: Jungle book or Tarzan.Fumio: it's characters taken out of their environment.Fumio: ExplorersFumio: Trasure Planet (Island?)Fumio: Secret Garden... or little princess I don't rememberFumio: GooniesFumio: Winnie the Pooh (They are stuffed animals of Christopher RobinFumio: Spirited Away and LaputaFumio: Galaxy QuestFumio: StargateFumio: Tron?Fumio: Back to the FutureFumio: Blue Yonder... do you remeber that one?
See proposed buildings, and existing ones side by side... the tallest buildings under construction is kinda demoralizing for us Americans though... Not trying to be political here, but look through the list, and then aswer this simple question... are we being fucked by someone at the gas pump?
Those builings are all 3 things in two words; pretty, expensive and ... yea. After looking at that I want to level St. Louis, fill all the caves with molten granite and build Coruscant. What the hell, we have no respect for landmarks, we're throwing away Bush stadium like a pissed in only diaper. Lets knock down the Arch too. Build one 2km high in its place with 600 foot tall statues of Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon (the sucker), Lewis and Clark, hell we'll even throw one up of Mark Twain in Hannibal, which will then be called North St. Louis. We won't have monorails or subways... there's no "or"... we'll take both! Now if we only had some oil money to buy it with!
Saturday, May 07, 2005
So, some sanity....
The list of titles and my useless ass opinions of their getting a HD-DVD release.
ABOVE THE LAW This hasn't been watchable since VHS.
ALEXANDER This won't be watchable until tru-life interactive holographics allow you to sit on the bed with Angelina Jolie, having deleted the snakes from the scene. A good behind the scenes feature then will let you walk up to Oliver Stone and ask him how pulled off a film sucking this bad. Film students will learn much.
ANGELS IN AMERICA (HBO) Don't care.
AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY (NEW LINE) The current DVD is pretty.... doesn't matter if I can see ever pore on Mike Meyers...
BATMAN BEGINS WB's thinking ahead...
BLADE (NEW LINE) This film was very pretty in the theater, and never owned up on DVD.... Size mattered.
CATWOMAN The format is doomed.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY More forward thought.
CONSTANTINE : SOLD!
CONTACT : DITTO. I'm proud of this selection.
DARK CITY (NEW LINE) More courage.
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD A different kind of courage???
ERASER Now you're trying to make me sick. There were two people in this room. One eryudte movie geek with taste, and the idiot putting Alexander and Catwoman and this shit. It's a shit movie. Disagree? How MANY times have you NEEDED to pop this off the shelf and watch it. I've NEVER heard after it's release, "I've been meaning to pop in Eraser again, those were good times!" Never.
EXECUTIVE DECISION Will once again remind us it was made.
FINAL DESTINATION (NEW LINE) Ooooo Death in Detail!!! Will it look REALLY fake in HD???
FRIDAY (NEW LINE) ...
FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON (HBO) I loved this series... but like Eraser...
THE FUGITIVE I'm there.
GOTHIKA From now on, the idiot will sound his selections with a Boing!
HARD TO KILL Boing!
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE SOLD
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS SOLD
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN SOLD
HOUSE OF WAX (2005) Boing!
THE LAST SAMURAI purdy!!!
THE MASK (NEW LINE) Don't Care.
THE MATRIX One day I'll learn to love again.
THE MATRIX RELOADED and hope love doesn't make me do something stupid.
THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS once bitten...
MILLION DOLLAR BABY it'll be out by the time I'm thinking of buying it....
THE MUSIC MAN ...
MYSTIC RIVER Don't Care...
NEXT OF KIN
NORTH BY NORTHWEST
THE PERFECT STORM
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (2004)
THE PLAYER (NEW LINE)
THE POLAR EXPRESS
RED PLANET <
RUSH HOUR (NEW LINE)
SE7EN (NEW LINE)
THE SOPRANOS (HBO)
SPAWN (NEW LINE)
SWORDFISH Smart pick.
UNDER SIEGE yawn
U.S. MARSHALS <
WILD WILD WEST <
THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE The Sinatra one!!!!! (No.. look at their next pick ass.)
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS For every toddler who can tell progessive scan DVD players from not, and who are really whiny that Spongbod doesn't get a crisp enough definition or that NTSC really bleaches out his spongebob yellowishness... Christ. Incredibles is a family film that should be here, this is like the Care Bears movie... any of them.
SCHOOL OF ROCK unnecessary
SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW Maybe THEN it will find an audience.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2
SAVE THE LAST DANCE
U2 RATTLE & HUM Hallelujah!
VANILLA SKY Boing!
LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT
WE WERE SOLDIERS
THE BOURNE SUPREMACY
THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK
VAN HELSING It sucked but was an eyegasm. Only the HD visuals make it a rental.
APOLLO 13 This will become one of the HD discs that show off the systems in stores I bet.
END OF DAYS Did I hear a faint Boing?
THE BONE COLLECTOR don't care.
SPY GAME more apathy.
PITCH BLACK maybe I'm just tired.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN yea, I'll come back to this.
A list like this without Titanic, Koyanisquatsi, Hunt For Red October, Die Hard, Finding Nemo, the Lion King, Akira, Blade Runner and ALL HOLY TRILOGIES (SW:OT and PT, LOTR, and Indy)
These are movies that will be bought on HDDVD no matter how many copies the owners have. Okay, maybe not Koyanisquatsi... definately not, but Best Buy and Circut City could by copies to demo TV's with.
Friday, May 06, 2005
What does this have to do with Kingdom of Heaven???? Simple, Kingdom of Heaven has too much going for it. It has the director of Alien, Gladiator, Blade Runner, Black Hawk Down. It's not as great or as seminal as those movies. In a way, G.I. Jane is a better flick. I had ZERO interest in that movie, and found it enticing... Okay, GI Jane, not bettter... BUT it doesn't take a Ridley Scott to drag my ass to a movie about the Crusades. They don't come around too often, YET. It's new world in geek cinema, we don't have a good gauge for these once in a lifetime flicks like KoH or HHGTTG, on how often they come around... But, Joh is no Gladiator. Don't expect it. It's really good though.
It has Orlando Bloom, as a blacksmith who leaves that life behind to defend a beauty with his sword... but this time, without Johnny Depp. Kingdom is nowhere near the popcorn perfect pitch of Pirates of the Caribbean. Don't expect it to be. It's really good though.
It has Orlando Bloom in an epic battle to defend a city from an onslaughting army, 200,000 men strong, equipped with siege towers. Those are the tall rolling buildings the orcs used in Return of the King, which had Orlando Bloom in it.... I should say something like.... yada yada yada... It's really good though. But I WON'T.
I started with King Kong. I'll end on Ella Enchanted. Ella Enchanted was a really good and comfortable family oriented fantasy with Anne Hathaway in it. Critics hated it, and audiences didn't respond. One common thread among FILM CRITICS (who should be above this pedigree issue...) was that Cary Elwes [Wesley in The Princess Bride] was in it. Since Cary Elwes was in a family friendly fantasy, it was compared to Princess Bride. No, Ella was good, but c'mon, Princess Bride was a classic, the makers of Ella were even fans of that masterpiece.
Koh is Ella. It's really good, if you can forgive it for not being as perfect as Pirates, Gladiator, and Return of the King. Most movies should be honored to be crushed to death and forgotten forever by such titans of the DVD palyer. Kingdom of Heaven can sit nicely in a collection that appreciates Master and Commander [It's not fucking Gladiator either!!!! but It's damn good movie!]
P.S..... Mr. and Mrs Smith. Added to the worth a look list. I hope the law of Gigli doesn't kill this one. I also hope it's as good as the trailer looks.
Damn, one other thing. Edward Norton doesn't just steal this movie! He does a Thomas Crowne on it!!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
I had this draft of a post, that I neglected....
Movies: Anticipated Flicks of 2005
(F--! I was writing this in Feburary...)
The year in movies always gets off to a slow start. Odds are the first movie you see in a year is last years movie, you can’t get started really into the current year unti Feburary really, and even then, there are probably some Oscar nominated flicks you have to backtrack and see… I did get around to one of those; Million Dollar Baby, I liked it,but can’t say I’ll ever watch it again in the next decade… there are just some movies, no matter how good they are, once is enough. But Million Dollar Baby is in the past, with the exception of the upcoming Oscars, so on with the year that is!!!
In a somewhat chronological order, with a few probable omissions, ones not listed either were innocently overlooked, carelessly forgotten or look to be so sucky that no human should waste their viewing life on them.
The Must see in a theatre this year list…
Constantine, actually I already saw it, but am currently delinquent in posting my thoughts…)
Sin City : May be the best comic adaptation ever. Truly a golden age of Graphic Novels come cinema… I’ve so many happy joy joy fuzzie feelings about the potential beauty of this one….
Robots : Less excitement than the feeling of obligatory animated summer flick… Maybe I’m not in a mood right now to think about this one, nut in all honesty, I think I feel obligated to see it, laugh, and even… like this one never really feeling a damn thing towards it…
Kingdom of Heaven: Ooooooooo Blooooom…. Ridley…. Qui Gon…. Oskar Shiendler needs to save more people in the holy land, and gets Legolas to help him!!!, will they face that heavy from D&D or Claus Von Buleo… My name is Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil, King of Mirkwood… I gotta get the high geek factor on this one out of my system… no, I won’t… I may already be in love with it….
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy : Aw FUCK!!! More love. The reality of this movie coming out is more of a milk and honey dreamland… It just doesn’t feel real…
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith : This one does. It’s here, like clockwork. Hey kiddies… Anikin becomes Vader. Star Wars fandom has become like the average marriage… the fire is kinda gone. I love them still, but I need to see others… But, this tart doesn’t care if we see others, so long as she gets hers.
Batman Begins : I hate this movie. I want it to be good…. I so do. But the last generation of Bat films sucked so bad. All of them. I loved the first one, back then. But that wasn’t Batman and the Joker. That was Micheal Keaton and Jack… a star studded Halloween party. For a young fanboy, it didn’t need to create a love for the mythology of Batman, we just need to see a reasonable facsimilie. This is the post Spider-Man era. Seeing a reasonable likeness of the character in a half baked story won’t do. We need to feel like we found the character for the first time, feel the drama of the mythology and thrill to the visuals and even be inspired walking out of the theater.
War of the Worlds : I love Tom Cruise. I love Steven Spielberg… and John Williams, and Dennis Muren and Mecha, and aliens, and apocalyptic destruction… I can’t wait.
Fantastic Four : I predict will be my most hated movie this year…. Last year I said that about I Robot for very similar reasons… I was wrong then…
Serenity: I can’t say I was a fan of Firefly… I never caught even an episode… but I’m a sucker for space opera, and we need a few good ones floating around out there… I wish this flick the best.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Yay!!!!
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe: “Based on the acclaimed novels by the best friend of the author of Lord of the Rings. Filmed in New Zealand, with Special Effects by WETA” Gee, is someone trying to catch lightning in a bottle… but putting it up against….
Underworld: Evolution : This movie also looks very LotRish… the werewolf soldiers look like soldiers of Gondor… (maybe they were vampires… either way) is there a reason for this end of the year LotR love/cash-in fest…. Is this a multi studio attempt to counter program against something…
King Kong: Peter Jackson blesses the world with another film.
Wonderful Days : Ends the current list since I don’t know if it will come to theaters in town… Korean anime. Looks beautiful.
Sound Great but that first trailer may change the situation….
A Sound of Thunder: MUST SEE!!!!!! In Theater… Q: why am I not on that list…
A: Why haven’t you been released when you were supposed to be?
V for Vendetta
The Brothers Grimm
Legend of Zorro
Happily N'Ever After
A Lot has changed since I was writing that. Mostly, we started seeing more behind the veil of Lucas secrecy with the "OC" trailer and the novelizations... It has changed from the obligatory Star Wars flick that the teaser left the taste of to, well, Peter Jackson has his work cut out for him. Episode III looks to be the best flick of the summer if not the event of the year. Other changes; Sin City, which I hadn't even put on the list of flicks to come at the time of typing it (an ommision of labor only) was kinda "wow". Robots was dead on what I expected, BUT... Oh my GOD... Lets look at what I said about HHGTTG.... "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy : Aw FUCK!!! More love. The reality of this movie coming out is more of a milk and honey dreamland… It just doesn’t feel real…" Wow. I was wrong. To everyone I every got excited about this thing... I'm sorry. It was almost pure shit! The song at the begining is nice, but like Final Fantasy the Spirits Within is a poor ambassador for FF to the world, this fucking eyesore of an asinine title thief ruins the name of HHGTTG.
At this point, to be right on FF might be impossible. The Fantastic Four movie could be worse than the Roger Corman version and not be my most despised flick this year. Fantastic Four would have to insult my family, personally. It would have to do physical harm to me to be worse that Hitchhikers. If FF is the second worst movie this year, 10,000x worse than Sahara, it will be less painfull than the rape of Douglas Adams (and Alan J. Bell's) work.
Every year I have a top five and a worst movie slot... The current nomonies are, for flicks I've seen in a theatre excluding Million Dollar Baby (last years movie) and Office Space (1999, but a local place had a screening, otherwise IT would be topping the list EASILY!) Constantine, Robots, Sin City, Sahara, Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy... That's it... boy is this summer off slow.
- Sin City. (Also, this has been though the Most quotable movie yet this year!)
- Constantine (just barely... )
- Sahara (Oh, Matt, see note below*)
- Robots. (My kids couldn't care any less about this movie already.)
- Hitchhikers Guide (Why.... why'd ya do it Disney?)
Worst of the Year. Hitchhikers Guide. More than a bad movie, TECHNIALLY, NONE of these are anywhere near the depths of movie hell that films like Alexander. Robots and Sahara are not that far from Constantine. Constantine is a proffesionally crafted industry film. So is Sahara and Robots, Robots phoned it in creatively thinking, like most of our culture does, that kids are stupid. All of these movies EXCEPT Sin City are corporate created, proffesionally produced entertainments. They're kept in the movie widget until a test audience focus group says okay, OR an executive throws them off the shelf to die. Hitchhikers Guide represents a wasted opportunity. I'm not against a mix of action, romance, and villiany. I love the mix espically in Sci-Fi looking FX feasts. I love movies like Hitchhikers Guide and wish for more of them all of the time. The level of imagination to give us a compelling Sci-Farse universe lacking totally in those elements is what kept Adams books and the TV show so engaging. A big coporation was unwilling to see that Adams work was apart from the flock, not better or above it. Just different. Hitchhikers Guide was supposed to be a change of pace entertainment selection, not a menu standard. Star Wars is the menu standard. It defined it. But this year, Sith looks to be, actually a change of pace.