War of the Worlds....

I haven't seen it yet, but will tonight. After the scathing reviews of one of the worst movies ever... and zealous praise for one of the best ever... I mean, the reviews I've read of this movie. It SUCKS, It ROCKS. It Blows, it rules.... YES!!! Everyone KNEW after seeing it, that Batman was really fucking GOOD. You went into it knowing it would be good. Guide... I blame HHGTTG for the enviroment and Iraq, and politics and uncomfortable condoms, children crying, manic depression, the stock market... hopefully by the end of summer I'll have forgotten it existed. Star Wars, the Smith family, and Batman have provided much healing, and to go into War of the Worlds with such an open court of Flip a coin as to wether its the best or worst movie of the summer (surprisingly no middle ground in review land on this one...) I'm giddy. The hype has me gleefully without expectation.

'05's top 5 (so far) 1.) Star Wars, you had me at "Little green friend." 2.) Batman, I can count all the Batman movies and Higlander movies on two fingers. 3.) Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Pitt's highest placing on a year list since Fight Club. 4.) Sin City. Mmmmm Marv. 5).... Whhaaa? a Tie!!! Constantine and Kingdom of Heaven tie. Look at the titles, and tell me which is a history epic and which has angels? Both are solid movies, with great geek cred.... both will fall off the top 5 for the year list, possibly with War of the Worlds (unless it wants to duke it out with HHGTTG for worst movie...) the real fight will be in December, when Kong hangs onto the Empire State building fighting off Star Wars for best of the year.

So....... will War of the Worlds SUCK as bad as half the critics (including Ebert) says. Or be best of the summer (as Harry Knowles says??) ??

Well, now that I've seen it... Go see it... I'll wait. There is a lot of good here. a lot of wow... no I swear that's not a second shoe in my hand... on the edge of the bed, waiting to drop, yes. More appropriately, behind a mirror.

I'm still waiting. Bare in mind, I was on quite the thrill ride with this one, and have no guilt giving it a 10 on IMDB. BUT, as far as how good is it? On JUST a scale of Spielberg films... 28th percentile. It's probably better than that, but the ending.... I'll end up buying the DVD...

Still Spoiler Free... So, I mentioned the ending... no this is not a Matrix 3 or Final Fantasy 7 problem. Okay it has one or two of the FF7 problems, but not ALL of them. But when I start bitching ALL of it will be about the last reel or so, and 90% of it will focus on the last 2 minutes.

Segue into "Last Few Minutes in Movies". Endings can fucking MAKE movies. Just change the whole damn experience, flip it on it's head, seal the deal. They are the most transformative part of watching any movie. The ending. It made Citizen Kane and the Usual Suspects classics, No Way Out respected beyond it's years. Movies like Se7en and the Godfather and the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy build to them and they become the lynchpin of the story.

I'm gonna spoil the shit out of this thing in a minute, so go see the damn thing already. Actually Go see it my way and come back and read... How?

Eh, you were warned.

My way to see War of the Worlds: If you have to tak a pee and the where-everians are dying, in Boston. Go Pee then. You've seen a brilliant movie. One of the best of the year without question. Yes the martians die from germs like in the book and original movie... every critic to complain about that needs Tim Robbins to beat them in the head with a shovel.

Here's what you missed. Ray (Tom) and his daughter make their way through the ruins of Boston to what's left of his ex's parents neighborhood. National Guard shuffle them off to a shelter, and mother and daughter are reunited. Want happy juice on it, have the parents of the kid hold hands or some shit.

Paul, that's NOT the ending... you left out the part about the brother, being ALIVE. The one who walked over the hill into certain death.

This isn't a movie killer. It's just silly. The brother lives. How? Fine, you warned us he'd be alive, it was on the page, perfectly forshadowed in the basement with that crazy guy who was missing his cell in Shawshank. The bad thing is playing as a shocker, I'm curious and uncomfortable with the anti- Independence Day feel of this film. There's going to be a big chunk of the audience wanting the epic of ID, that scope. They'll feel cheated as hell at the amount of time spent in the basement. Hell, I was wanting out of there. But, with the brother surviving, why deny us his story? Why not split the storytelling and show us his part in this too? Espicially after him being such an ass at the begining and gaining some respectability on the ferry.

The Big baddness of the movie. As I was walking out, questions started coming to mind... Like with Mr. & Mrs. Smith... but worse. With M&Ms, you can take the bag of questions and have a catchall answer that settles them... They NEVER in that movie explained the structure of geopolitics in the world. Fuck, M&Ms could take place on the planet Vegran and ONLY corprate entities handle political and military affairs... I don't know.

But with WotW, as we were walking out two boys, think 10ish, were starting to ask questions... So, the machines are buried in the ground, all over the place, and we NEVER noticed? Under streets in New York? Just how deep, from where... and if they planned this for millions of years... wouldn't they get some biological samples to prepare innoculatios with. Don't they have doctors? In ID the aliens had apple-talk but didn't have anti-virus software... these guys can ride lightning and... I need to rewatch this thing. As I adjust to the son being alive at the end, I'm coming to terms with the movies other problems. The "They've been planning this...." info ONLY comes from that crazy mofo. There's no official explination of anything.

In EVERY previous telling of the story Welles concept is conveyed in some minor way, that the Martians didn't plan for this invasion. They just did it. They needed a chance, to escape their planet that was dying too rapidly. The martians didn't have a plan B, and while being tactical geniuses, were living by their own rules... there are hints of it in this work... in the behavior of the aliens. So we have to assume Tim Robbins was nuts.

So only one problem left... the boy. His being a problem is because he's a dash of movie reality in one of the most realistic films I've ever seen. It was gripping, clinching wow! I was loving every frame. Until the anuses. Okay, I hated the cages and the butholes. The movie was fucking PERFECT.... WOW, I'm floored, Geekgasmic until...

Shit. Somewhere, today, in this country, some good geek SHOUTED in a theater, SQUIRT SHAMPOO UP THEIR BUTT. We has a space anus like the one in Evolution. Cant the people be sucked through metal? Does it need guts? If guts, why a sphincter? Perhaps people who hadn't seen Evolution are unaffected by this. But, those who have seen it, may be reminded enough to giggle. You know what would have sold me on the cages, and maybe have forgiven the butthole? A cow (or horse) in the right hand cage. Why are they only picking up humans. wouldn't a good cow work for feeding your death rays?

There is a lot that's good and great about this movie. 1 or 2 flaws far from kill it, they just could heve not been there. Spielberg is 100% responsible for his films... most other guys have to put up with suits and test audiences... I'd like to know if they tested it, if they made changes... and mostly, why the butts? Are these machines techno-organic? Why not show that earlier?

The questions immediately overshadowed all that was great. The edge of your seat awe... first Spielbergian movie (or MOST Spielbergian) since the FIRST Jurassic Park!!!! I even was screaming at the screen at some points.... and it defied so many cliche's... Wonderfully so. The guy was middle class... Tom was awesome... the whole cast delivered really good performances.

Oh and the machines, the effects. Once again, F--- EVERYONE who hates CGI... Okay I admit it, that's harsh net flamming and I hate that type of shit. CGI haters need to admit their problem. Like enviromentalists who are really anti-corperate, most of these guys are Anti-Lucas. Not even Anti-Peter Jackson Where's the fans saying "Do KONG IN CLAY" Build another life size robot that doesn't work AND looks like shit!!!! Just say you hate Lucas, and say why... cause he makes good, fun movies, and got richer than shit doin it. He named his son Jett. Don't get it? George loves GOOD movies.... and Giant is one of the greats. Jett Rink: "I'm rich, Bick... I'm a richie! I'm a rich boy. And I'm gonna have more money than you ever THOUGHT you had!" It's just a guess. But people really hate the success of others. Which is the main theme of War of the Worlds. What the OTHER GUY HAS. Where-everians hate Terrans cause they have a habatible world. And Ray probably hates the guy his ex is fucking...

I'm sorry for the small bitches... but there's a lot of hate for this movie, that when it's thought through, it doesn't deserve. That's why I'm leaving it in the blog. To help others deal with the problems of the movie... I know, I can't fix them either... but, they're not that bad... (BUTT... tee hee.. haha LOL!)

So where is it in the years best? It shakes up the scoring.... 1.) Sith. 2.) Batman 3.) War of the Worlds. 4.) Tie: Mr& Mrs Smith and Sin City.

If I could give an award....

For the WORST Video game title EVER... It'd go to the lil' feller in dis here article... Xbox 360: Arika Brings Tetris to Xbox 360 The Arcticle link is jsut for your fact checkin'... I'm sounding like I lost a few IQ points 'cause my noodle ran across the title (I shit you not...) Tetris: The Grand Master 3 -- Terror Instinct Fuck me. The nightly news wants me scared to piss in the water that's so poisoned it'll kill us all.... but now Tetris is wanting us scarred too? Terror and Tetris just don't go together...

2 Movies in the same week... (and it's not even Friday)

Batman Begins: It's official, shiny new shovels should be flying off the shelves of Ace Hardware to bury the pieces of shit we smilingly accepted as Batman movies. In just eight years (89-97) we went from happy fanboys, gleeing at the sight of a bat-plane in front of the moon to screaming on the, by-then, old internet about bat-nipples, bat-crotch, bat-ass, and batacraperangs. In 1989, "Comic-Book Movies" were a rare treat. A dead one too. Superman got us some made for TV crap... Mostly the genre WAS TV. As far as big screen features... fuck.

We'd count anything as a comic book movie... Conan? So if a novel, becomes a comic book it's a comic book movie?... I'm still trying to figure it out... Robocop, an original film, has become a comic book movie... If that's the case, we should induct Star Wars, Predator, Alien, and Terminator into the pack. Unless you have to be a Marvel or DC title to BEE a CBM. The Star Wars still counts, but Hellboy is out. And Somehow MIB is in... This genre blows... And at some point needs to be defined so Star Wars, Road to Perdition, Mystery Men (oh lord...), Men In Black, Superman, and American Splendor are NOT all at the same table.

Typically when the discussion is; what's the best comic book movie... They mean Super-Hero movie. A "Super-Hero" is somehow obligated to posses fantastic characteristics. Luke Skywalker and Wong Fei Hong fit the definition, Batman never really has. His villains even have. All those decades sitting on the comic book rack, having the brains of Sherlock Holmes, the wealth of a Wal-Mart heir and the toys of James Bond, dressing like Darth Vader... Okay the character EVOLVED into that. The toys used to justify his place in the fantastic... That doesn't cut it anymore.

Watch the Discovery Channel when they have some military gear show on... Look how far Donald Trump is on the list of richest people in the world... Batman is a real world possibility. IF a billionare were fucking crazy enough to blow his money on military hardware and risk his life and well being saving people from muggings and gangsters. He'd probably run into problems with organized crime....

This movie rules. There are so many ways to fuck up sequels. Never forget why this flick rules.... Batman and his rogues Gallery are realistic, not fantastic characters!!! This bitch-slap to his villains works perfectly... The cast kicked MUCH ass. Gotham felt like a real place, not a claustrophobic movie back lot at night. I'm a huge fan of CGI's revolution in film... I look at shit on small back-lots in old movies, and it's like not being able to breathe.

All this rambling praise, and no, it's NOT the best comic book movie ever... Donner's Superman... (yes, I and his shit of II) and Spiderman II still reign, with X2 following close behind. BUT Batman is a better Movie. Best comic book movie and best comic book adaption are also different things... Best adaptions are like Crow, Rocketeer and Sin City... None of them have the General being asked to step outside, but damn, you felt like you were in the book.

So... After a 12 year reign as being the best Batman Movie, Mask of the Phantasm must step down... No, wait it refuses to leave... Okay it'll share the pedestal with Batman Begins... No wait... Phantasm stays on the pedestal, and is holding the mantle of best Batman flick HOSTAGE, demanding that Mark Hamill is the Joker in begins imminent sequel. Phantasm is still the best batman flick, only because the clown prince of crime and batman MUST be together in any "Best" caped crusader flick... Besides the title "Begins" just promises us more... It's obligated to deliver.

If you ever watch the Burton/Schumacher series... See them for what they really were, the logical evolution of the TV show. Big guest stars! Big names having fun, like a filmed costume party. Like when Liberace played Chandell in the original TV series.

Matt, the Bat isn't back. He's finally arrived.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: I'm not going to think about it. It was soooooooo much fun. Angelina is possibly the most beautiful woman in any movie I've ever seen on the big screen. I love the car chase, the cast (notably the people who we only heard voices of...) I won't think about it cause after Batman was so believable... It does fall through a mess of plot holes... But I enjoyed. Just NEVER think about the movie, just look at it and turn the brain off. ANYONE ELSE: "But Paul, I said do that with (Insert Movie) and you argued that it was crap...." The damnedest thing is, yes (Insert Movie) WAS CRAP, and I was right about it. And you know this movie isn't crap. At no point in the theater did I have long enough to think past a plot hole when she flips her hair, bats her eyes has bare arms or Vince Vaughn says something cool. The script is witty. The Actors have charisma and chemistry and are BOTH pretty to look at. (Yes, Brad Pitt is pretty, men should admit it. If you saw that face in the mirror, you'd enjoy shaving more than you do now!!!!!) The Direction and Editing are also top notch. This film has MANY qualities of great films, and it's flaws require to much examination... fuck believability!

How... Why.... When talking with arrogant film nerds... Use this movie in your conversation, they will say it is crap for the reasons I won't mention. FUCK them! Explain that the film was not meant to be literal, but an allegory for marriage. No movie can truly show a functional married couple and show the true scope of their homicidal urges. They don't understand this because they've either not married or their marriage is on the brink of failure. Send the nerdish arrogant prick packing back to his lonely life, and recommend he rent Mr. & Mrs. Smith on the way home to Jerk off to the pretty person of their choice.

I hate most Hollywood romance movies, BECAUSE of seeing pretty people finding love... When they blow the hell out of each other with automatic weapons... I only morn for their gorgeous bathroom, and the LARGE pile of cash.

Big Idiots in History!!!!!

Pastor Johnnie B. Wilson II, is an evil and awful... frankly a sick and greedy man. He disgusts me. He's holding (as of May 14, 2005, a tree that's over 200 years old HOSTAGE for 75,000 dollars. There's nothing like a fat preacher to find new ways to say "GIMMIE MONEY!!!" What a hate filled slime. He's using the excuse of wanting to put in a parking lot. I've seen parking lots with trees in them, the parking lot built around them. Fuck, what an ass... Our entire subdivision was built around an old tree, and the old tree happened to be in our front yard for 40 plus years. (We did have to have it removed when it DIED, and were sad to see it go, except it makes mowing the lawn easier in front, but damn the house can get hot w/o the air on.... where was I, That's right the fat fuck who hates trees and wants money. Other soulutions have been suggested to him, by his entire town... Nobody wants the tree to go... he's holding the tree hostage. He's an eco-terrorist (maybe-not). Scratch that. He's a Terrorist (kinda, if the tree had feelings, it'd be terrified!). Give him a cell in Gitmo. One of the soultions was some 99-year lease with the city, and he had a problem with that because it lasted ONLY 99 YEARS. FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM. Close his silly church (let em worship in a cafeteria or something... But NO FREE COFFEE!!!) and put a city park around the tree. The local kids would prebably rather have a playground than a church. Running around and playing games is more fun than a hot church with shitty air conditioning... (the building looks like crap in the Post's photos... dude, suck in that gut when you get a photo taken.) Greedy asshole.

Movies I've caught recently....

City of God: Wow. This film reignighted an appreciation for movies on satellite. I had been wanting to see this, but kept putting off renting it from Blockbuster. Foreign flicks that get good reviews are so often some pretentious piece of masturbation that I can't stand. First this movie isn't that. It's actually interesting... and good. Damn fucking good, and it was shown widescreen... TV is safe for movies again?

Artemesia: An artsy film about art. If you don't LOVE renisanse painting... you'll need something to bite through... actually you'd probably get up and do something else. I liked it. Real art buffs apparently HATE this movie since it gets the history of the protaganist damn near completly wrong... but... eh, that's what history books are for.

Shaolin Soccer: A masterpiece. Possibly the best soccer movie ever. They have superpowers and mighty Kung-Fu.... Oooooooooooooooooo.

A Boy and his Dog: This movie was on drugs. It was just damn strange. The book didn't feel this wierd.

Team America World Police: Love. I feel love for this movie. I wish the song "Pearl Harbor Sucked" had been nominated for an Oscar. Few songs capture the emotions of so many people so well. Usually they're love songs when they do... but this is the FIRST song to say, word for word how I felt about a specific movie. "Pearl Harbor Sucked!" They read our minds and hearts...

Mutant Aliens : No matter what you may think of this film, it demands respect. Cuse one guy drew an 80min cartoon. Fuck. Plus it is entertaining.

At The Earth's Core: Oh shit. This is the PERFECT film to remind the film world that it NEEDED Star Wars. You can look at Planet of the Apes, 2001, even Silent Running and the stunning Washington scenes of Logan's Run and give a good devil's advocate argument that Hollywood didn't need Star Wars. But those were all exceptions to the rule, and never brought home the fact that average movies needed to own up, that the audience dexerved better. In 1976, some studio thought we deserved At The Earth's Core, and it has Grand Moff Tarkin in a less than commanding roll. But, if you take the camera off of him during a fight scene, he will have chopped down a tree, and built a bow and a set of arrows in under a minute. Give him a fade, and he can fix a broken 20 ton machine that took him and many others years to build. This is a fun piece of shit... Google this movie, people make muppet references, and then there's the villians that explode upon death.

Along Came Polly: The most interesting characters get the least amount of time. Damn, I hated this movie, but somehow a sequel involving two of the other.... aw fuck this waste of time flick.

Pi: Smart people who love film, and know film, know this is a great movie. Anyone who says how brilliant this movie is... WALK AWAY. Don't speak to them. They're too intelligent for you. They're fucking brilliant, this movie is way beyond you, you don't have the sophistication to appreciate a movie like this. I'm an idiot. I like fluff like Lord of the Rings, Batman, Star Wars and such... I like escapist fantasy, and walk out of the theater knowing I'm in a real world that really isn't all that interesting. People who like movies like Pi, live an escapist fantasy that they're intellectual. I was hoping for a movie about math. There's nothing about math in this movie that you don't get by the fourth grade. Math is never shown. Contact shows you the world of radio astronomy, just a bit... October Sky had loads more shit about COAL MINING!!! than PI did about MATH!!!! October Sky was about rockets... (BTW is had shit about building rockets too...) PI sucks. Kinda like pearl Harbor.

Scary Movie 3. I laughed. Enough to watch it twice. It's a comedy. Comedy and I don't get along too well. so if I could sit through it twice. It be good. Team America kinda owns it's ass though.

Zatôichi : MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm pure samurai movie joy.

Tom Cruise on Oprah.

Tom's the second story down... Tom's acting STRANGE? Have these people ever watched Oprah? It's on after Jeopardy here in St. Louis, and I catch it from time to time. If I watch the show, I get fucking depressed since I feel emasculated. The whole show has the attitude that only women are watching... this is fine, I watch plenty of shit not intended for anything but it's audience. I'm sure if you can't stand video games and don't know what a PS2 is, or "Online Play" and Dual Shock Controller sounds like what you tuned into X-Play for but can't understand the lack of sex, X-Play seems wierd. Tom Cruise was playing to an audience that buys and reads whatever book the host mentions. We're questioning whose sanity? As far as Tom taliking up Scientology, well forgive him for not being whatever it is you think may be normal. You let Mel Gibson yap on about Jesus... Of the top two Scientologist actors in Hollywood, only one made Battlefield Earth.

Now, if the invaders in War of the Worlds are more concered with "leverage"... then we'll have issues!