Merry Christmas***

***Sentiment does not apply if you are;
not keen on telling yourself fairy tales are true,
not financially able to spend tons of money on every acquaintance you ever make,
not one to send out silly cards to every address of someone you want favors or gifts from in the future,
not living in an area with a warm climate (Loving Christmas means you LOVE snow!!!),
not descended from colonial Americans,
single (Christmas is the time to tell the lonely they suck!),
gay (it is CHRISTmas... you know how they feel about that...),
accepting of anything scientific and logical,
literate,
a viewer of Comedy Central,
a Democrat,
a liberal,
intellectual,
materialistic (or capitalist I guess, though Christmas makes serious bank),
old (odds are you've had happier holidays, or are already excluded, so nothing anyone can say will make the season any better)
poor (Must spend money to participate)
Have a job which may cause you to work on the holiday (You're all going to Hell along with my wife, Doctors, Santa impersonators, disc jockeys, firemen, policemen...
(I almost can't go on with the list of who this Holiday excludes...

Christmas sucks, I hate it, and with all of these good reasons. If you're not an Anglo-Saxon family of suburban Caucasians adorned with perfectly white teeth, a cache of multiple siblings flying in from all across the country with everyone wearing new sweaters bought from a department store on the day you'll get a sweater bought from a department store where they were playing the same music you love listening to one day a year, this isn't your holiday! It's not mine either.

I've had some Christmas' I've enjoyed, they closer I was to playing into the stereotypical catalog photo spread of Christmas, the more you think you should enjoy them, you psyche yourself into it. Odds are, you don't fit into this holiday.

Me, I love people who work on the stupid day, and I love going to the movies. My SINGLE Holiday plan is to see King Kong on December 25th, AGAIN.

Next year, I'm going to invent a holiday, a rationalist holiday. Arbitrary Day. It will be any day between Thanksgiving and New Years eve. Any day you want it to be. Send out an Arbitrary Day card, and the day they get it, is the day it is. Want it in July, go for it. Only rule, only one day can be your Arbitrary day per year. If EVERYONE on the planet celebrated Arbitrary Day, every day would be Arbitrary day to 16 MILLION people!!!! Like Birthdays!

And have a Merry Humphrey Bogart's Birthday! (No one has to believe in Bogey, unlike Santa he just happened, whether you believe in him or not, like evolution... )