Legends of THE DARK KNIGHT

Impawards is a fantastic site, One of the best on the web. That's where I usually find these movie posters. Anyway...

There's a lot of praise out there for The Dark Knight, BUT did you know...

1. The Dark Knight was the first to slice bread.
2. The Dark Knight shot Greedo first.
3. The Dark Knight is commonly mistaken for a burning bush.
4. The Dark Knight caused the Big Bang.
5. The Dark Knight fell on Issac Newton's head.
6. The Dark Knight was available on 8-track.
7. The pyramids of Egypt were built to honor The Dark Knight.
8. All the stars in the sky were named after The Dark Knight
9. The Oscars were invented and waiting for The Dark Knight to be made.
10. Thomas Edison saw The Dark Knight in one of Edgar Cacye's visions and invented motion pictures.
11. The Dark Knight destroyed Atlantean civilization.
12. Play The Dark Knight backwards and it will tell the future.
13. The Dark Knight invented Spam (the canned meat version) and won all fourteen World Wars.
14. The Dark Knight was the first to Rickroll.
15. The Dark Knight defeated the Dalek's
16. The Dark Knight can make a rock so big, it'd crush himself.
17. The Dark Knight fed a theater filled with 5000 people with only two buckets of popcorn and a box of Raisinets.
18. The Dark night beats paper, rock, and scissors.
19. The Dark Knight made the Mona Lisa smile.
20. God believes in The Dark Knight.
21. The real Chuck Norris is nothing compared to The Dark Knight.
22. One day, Aliens on the White House lawn will say "Take us to see The Dark Knight"
23. The Dark Knight wiped out the dinosaurs.
24. The Dark Knight could take your daughters virginity, and you still buy the guy a beer.
25. The Dark Knight can beat up everyones dad, at once.
26. Galaxies and Universes revolve around The Dark Knight.
27. Other movies are good at the mercy of The Dark knight.
28. You can't sell your soul, The Dark Knight owns it already.
29. The Dark Knight gets out the toughest stains.
30. Shakespeare plagiarized The Dark Knight.
31. The Dark Knight called our ancestors out of the trees.
32. The Dark Knight can kill a lion with only it's thumbs.
33. The Dark Knight is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
34. The Dark Knight performed the twelve tasks of Hercules, in only five tasks.
35. The Dark Knight is the tallest man alive.
36. The Dark Knight is behind you, look. Gone? He's that fast!
37. The Dark Knight put the sword in the stone.
38. The Dark Knight brought E.T. back to life.
39. The Joker is one card, The Dark Knight is the whole deck!
40. The Dark Knight would win the White House with 810 electoral votes!
41. The Dark Knight is the Queen of England!
42. The Dark Knight is so cool, and attracts such hot women, it's why we have seasons.
43. The Dark Knight can not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered!
44. The Dark Knight is the Kwisatz Haderach.
45. The Dark Knight destroyed the Death Star, twice.
46. The Dark Knight won the Millennium Falcon fair and square.
47. The Dark Knight can win at chess in one move.
48. The Dark Knight is the best James Bond.
49. The Dark Knight is the final Cylon.
50. The Dark Knight is Keyser Söze!
51. The Dark Knight can see dead people.
52. Charles Foster Kane called The Dark Knight "Rosebud".
53. The Dark Knight is the offer you can't refuse.
54. Superman doesn't have the stones to ask The Dark Knight to step outside.
55. Zod kneels before The Dark Knight.
56. Kyrptonite is Kryptonian for "The Dark Knight".
57. Darwin, on his death bed, confessed The Dark Knight.
58. The Dark Knight birthed John Wayne.
59. There was no such thing as gender, then the manliness of The Dark Knight turned half of us into men.
60. The Dark Knight invented sex.
61. The Dark Knight's Internet nickname is Chuck Norris.
62. The universe worries when The Dark Knight worries.
63. The Dark Knight wrote the Declaration of Independence.
64. The Dark Knight is the father of our country.
65. The Matrix is in The Dark Knight.
66. The Dark Knight watches the Watchmen.
67. The Dark Knight can hear you scream... IN SPACE!
68. As a child, The Dark Knight saw the Cloverfield monster, and asked his mom if he could keep it.
69. Where no man has gone before, The Dark Knight was already there.
70. The Guinness Book of World records contains only three words; "The Dark Knight".
71. DaVinci was obsessed with The Dark Knight code.
72. The Dark Knight is always there in 30 minutes or less.
73. The Dark Knight invented the Internet.
74. The Dark Knight invented Thomas Edison.
75. The Dark Knight can repair a Slinky!
76. The Dark Knight solved Rubik's Tesseract!
77. Santa Claus wants The Dark Knight to come every day of the year.
78. Mt. Everest aspires to climb The Dark Knight.
79. The weakness of Kryptonite is The Dark Knight.
80. Hulk can't smash The Dark Knight.
81. The Dark Knight redeemed Shawshank.
82. The Dark Knight caught every Pokemon.
83. The Dark Knight beats up the kids who beat up honor students.
84. The Dark Knight had the fish that ate the Darwin fish for dinner.
85. There is no secret government, The Dark Knight knows all about it.
86. Black holes got their fashion sense from The Dark Knight.
87. The Dark Knight is the road map to peace.
88. The Dark Knight does it live.
89. The Dark Knight knows the Colonel's Recipe.
90. Imagine what Scooby would do for a Dark Knight snack.
91. The Dark Knight bowled a 900.
92. The Dark Knight's caddy is Tiger Woods.
93. The best, has to make The Dark Knight of it.
94. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, chases The Dark Knight.
95. The SDF-1 vs The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight wins.
96. Baby monsters fear The Dark Knight is under their bed.
97. The devil sold his soul to The Dark Knight.
98. The Dark Knight will win the Nobel Peace Prize.
99. Miss Universe will be renamed, Miss The Dark Knight.
100. The Dark Knight fathered Lois Lane's baby.
     

Movie: Hellboy II: The Golden Army

The Fantastic Four franchise, if it were still alive, should die of shame, whispering "Hellboy" with its last pathetic breaths. Two fantastic four movies and, Hellboy gives me a monster emerging from a New York street. H2TGA give and gives and gives. I can't think of a "Live action" movie without the word "episode" in the title that has more delicious ingredients. An analogy a friend suggested; was a bucket of fried chicken, but just the skin. Not that there's no plot or character, but fuck, there is stuff that's good for you in ice-cream. And this is SOOOO Many scoops of ice cream, covered in everything but spaceships. Clockwork, steampunk looking tech, women who are beautiful in an interesting way...

Now we NEED
HELLBOY 3!

Movie : Wall-E

I'm open to the possibility that I tainted myself with my own expectations this year. I expected Indiana Jones to be worlds of freakin fun, and it was. I expected Iron Man to put boot to ass in ways not nearly often enough done, and it planted that boot on a many ass indeed. And, I expected Wall-E to be the best Pixar movie ever.

I've been saying all summer, everyone's looking forward to Dark Knight, that the netfolk are just psyching themselves up for Dark Knight, and they're going to love it no matter what. Did I do this for Wall-E? Most years, having expectations leads to the opposite result, Transformers looked like a must see 'in honor of it's name' shit... It was golden.

This year, each movie I've gotten to see so far has landed right where it felt like it would... I haven't gotten to see the Love Guru, I heard it was shit. I didn't think it looked like it, but I'll believe them on this go 'round. I've had a bad feeling of Dark Knight, and that one looms large. I initially thought Hancock looked like a crap-flop, then I thought the most recent trailers looked promising, so I'd like to think it'll be a fun movie, but all I know is Hancock smells like money (and Bar-B-Que!)

F--, Will Smith could do a movie called Bar-B-Que, and as long as it opened on July 4th, it'd make 300 Million dollars! He'd be suburban dad trying to get home to his family for a July fourth cookout, when some giant smoldering beast has awoken from the Earth's mantle and looms large over downtown Dallas. (It's like Cloverfield, but you can see EVERYTHING in broad daylight) Somehow this everyman defeats through practical wit and wisdom a monster that the military has only kept at bay. The last line of the movie, when he's reunited back in untouched suburbia with his wife and family; "Aw babe, I forgot it, I'll have to run back to the store." I'm smelling a sequel cooking!!!!!

Anyway, I said Wall-E looked like Pixar's best movie ever...

So, what am I being when I say Wall-E is the best Pixar movie ever? Well... best, poo poo on that shit. If you have a Troy McCluresque weakness for fish, Wall-E is no Finding Nemo, Cars would probably be the movie James Spader's and Holly Hunter's characters in Crash would show their future children (I don't remember if the characters in that movie lived or what, it's been like 11 years since I saw Crash...) But, I love robots! Except Robots. I hated those robots. But, I love robots in movies so much, I've watched Silent Running multiple times! Yup, that much. Look at my Myspace page, I have an unyielding aesthetic affection for yellow and black safety stripes. Oh, Yellow tech grunge. When you have that yellow all rusted and dirty... like the lifters in Aliens, and .. gosh oh so many things, and it never feels like enough. Like this guy from the Ghost in the Shell line.

Oh man... and, obviously I LOVE space movies... Can't get enough good ones of those either... A scene I love in particular is (6:15 into the clip)



The "Good day, gentlemen. This is a prerecorded briefing made prior to your departure and which for security reasons of the highest importance has been known on board during the mission only by your HAL-9000 computer." That feeling of betrayal when you discover a secret being kept from you.

Wall-E features a singular red eye in the vain of HAL-9000 and Macross Plus's Sharon Apple.

F-- it. The most telling thing about Wall-E... My soda was still half full at the beginning of the credits... I FORGOT TO DRINK IT! My eyes were too busy drinking in his world.

Thank you Pixar. Thank you SOOOO MUCH.

P.S, My kids loved it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is FAR from the last time Wall-E will be mentioned on these pages.

Best of the year:
Top 3...
1.) Wall-E... (seemingly pushed by a small droid behind him)
2) TIE, between Mr. Stark, and Dr. Jones.