Movie: Star Wars The Clone Wars

You had me at "Wild Space."
Star Wars is a lifelong love, and to me, being taken back to the summer of '77 is to be taken back to a time when I couldn't reach anything, I was oft at peril to shit myself having newly acquired the skill of using a toilet, and was under constant pressure to engage in the activity of afternoon naps against my will. Sippie cups lacked widgets, and car seats were barely in use, much less luxuriously upholstered command chairs, with cup holders. Heck, most places I went in '77 I was in the front seat lap of an unbuckled passenger. My parents tried lies about Santa in winter and some Bunny in the spring, I had to ask for anything I wanted. Sure, I may have had a childlike sense of wonder and amazement about things, but that stemmed from ignorance. (I'll be ranting a great deal about ignorance here.)

A lifelong love doesn't need to take you back it needs to take the relationship forward. Sure, once in a while she can throw some pigtails in the hair and you can have a nostalgic night. But the whole relationship can't and should never be built on nostalgia. To those whose love of Star Wars is principally one of nostalgia, you got special editions, the old girl even had a boob job, so'd they be as firm as when you first met, and you whined bitched and complained. Well, she's finally taking this relationship forward in a mature and SERIOUS matter, a no holds bar animated series for all ages, like Avatar: The Last Airbender.

"It's directly for kids!!! That's not STAR WARS!!!!" Really. Go. Track down a VHS copy of From Star Wars to Jedi, a behind the scenes documentary from WAYYY Back in 1985. Or almost any interview with Mark Hamill. It's always been a kids franchise. The nature of kids properties has changed greatly, but, this is Star Wars, for OUR KIDS. Not US entirely. My son said of this movie as we were leaving the theater; "I want to watch this movie every day!"

The professional film critics seem to almost overwhelmingly hate it, for few given motivations, all with one common stripe; it's destination of television. That's compounded by it also being, Star Wars, and they've hated all of those until usually 3-5 years later. But, Clone Wars has the audacity to do something not done, that I can recall, launch a TV show in the movie theaters, weeks before the broadcast debut. Its an impostor in Movieland, and the critics are predictably trying to drive it out of town, less they become inundated with becoming Television critics. I'm sure it's bad enough that they have blogs and the rest of the web to compete with.

The Internet voices, have found Clone Wars unenjoyable. I'm sorry that they're not mature enough in this relationship to move forward. We appreciate that you're fans of how you felt sitting in your pumpkin seat. But, it's clear that you didn't LOVE Star Wars as much as you said you did. So much of this BACKLASH, is from prequel hating people who have never played the RPG, read any of the comic books*, or read any of the novels. Most of the blogosphericaly inclined were apparently wanting this to be a nostalgia fest. A movie not moving the relationship forward.

Harry Knowles said "From the beginning notes of “As Time Goes By” and the Warner Shield – it felt wrong." The Studio logo.... you begin damnation of a movie with the studio logo? Oh SHIT!!! Yes, bonus points can be scored with doing something nifty with a logo...The Matrix, Waterworld. These movies score some bonus points with logo alterations. Gee.. anything else Harry? Something about sloppy shots... "undoing all the awesome work that Genndy had done" Watch that toon much? So a crane shot traveling over the action as we scale a cliff, is so much cleaner in 2D? This makes the Genndimated series look lame in many regards. First off, Anakin doesn't have a ridiculous fighter customized to look like his pod racer, he's not the whiny piece of work that we continually suffered with and the Jedi lack powers that violate reason, more than even some of the worst offenses in comics.

What else is there, there's so much, I've been reediting this for a week or so... Not that anyone cares. The Jedi council forums are the only refuge for people who care for the BEST MOVIE of the YEAR... I kid, Recount is that, and Wall-E...

Oh... So, the near consensus on the net has been that Ahsoka Tano is Freakin Hannah Rock Damn Star Montana. Well, what are some character attributes of Hannah? She's a lying, ego driven, self obsessed, treacherous, two faced, manipulative young woman. Even though many of these charges against the little overexposed rock star character are exhibited and corrected within an episode, she is a character capable of these things manufactured to appeal to the fame obsessed vanity of tweenage girls. All other charges aside, she needs to feel the approval of millions of people and if she doesn't her frail ego will collapse. If Hannah Montana were force inclined and lived in the Star Wars galaxy, she'd be a Sith lord. She's worse that Palpatine! As a parent, I HATE most of the kids they throw on the screen. I wind up reminding my kids constantly how HORRIBLE these wastes of humanity are. That kids aren't supposed to behave like that, and that they're all horrible role models. Maybe I've seen to many Disney factory kids on TV, they're all self obsessed monsters. But, Ahsoka was a character I didn't mind my children seeing.

In defense of Ziro the Hutt
The charges are, a homosexual, loudly adorned, Hutt that speaks basic (English to MANY of the websites...) First off. No Star Wars character speaks English. Not a one. They speak Basic. Basic, is the language that you watch Star Wars in. For me, it's English, for some it sounds like Spanish... It's alphabet is Aurebesh. We see it on monitors and displays... So, Ziro speaks Basic. We've never seen a Hutt on screen before a deep as possibly can be inside the core. We've seen them in the outer rim, where most residents speak Huttese. Now, with so FEW Hutts in this series, why do the residents of the Outer Rim, especially Tatooine, speak the Hutt language? Well, the Hutts run things out there. It's very wild west, and they... They're Gene Hackman in The Quick and the Dead. Wealthy in places where people will do anything for money, and immune to Jedi influence where Jedi are the closest hop to the law, Hutts have always had a prime position to run things out there. But, Coruscant is the wealthiest planet. There are to many people who can't be bought, and it's Jedi central. Ziro is trying to fit in by A) speaking Basic. WHEN IN ROME? and by... dressing the part. As for the flaming nature... Um... Hutts don't have girls and boys rooms to potty in, they have Hutt rooms, and Hutt parts. Hutts don't have to F-- themselves either, some actually choose to F-- other Hutts! So, Ziro, if ever sexually active with another Hutt, would be... well gay. So what? Captain Jack Harkness of torchwood would tap Ziro in a Corellian minute and Ziro would be begging for more! As far as ANY of this being "Unstarwarsy". Well, no one really bitched this storm up when Queen Jool first appeared in the Legacy comic series

Droid Slapstick.
There's a line in Armegeddon; "Have you even seen Star Wars?" Sit. Watch Episode IV. Droid slapstick has been with us since the beginning. Droids in this universe think in non-linear, irrational ways. That's why the oil bath will "feel" good to 3PO. R2 and 3PO call each other names. They arguue and bicker... and even Battle Droids would need these irrational, non-linear thought patterns to process the abstract concepts of vauge tactical commands. Besides, it's just classic Starwarsyness.

Well, the box office numbers reflect that so much of the buzz, when you talked to people who don't spend huge chunks of their time online, was the misgiving that this movie would be on TV anyway, that it was the first few episodes. I imagine LOST or 24 would have similar box office malaise if they ran their season premiers in a theater, with the understanding in the minds of the audience that it would be shown on television regardless.

So, congratulations to the critical masses who hated this movie! For all of the writing and love being claimed for Star Wars, most of you haven't picked up a book, comic, RPG... Anything that required the use of HANDS! This movie wasn't for you. Please, HATE Star Wars, you mindless DROIDS. We don't serve your kind here.

If you hated Clone Wars: I sentence you to this. Press play. It's the WORST THING EVER


*By the way, if you've never read a comic book, of anything in your adult life, you're wasting your life away. Go, buy Watchmen or Sandman, or Bone, The Walking Dead, and QUIT WASTING your life. READ. Then, go to a local planetarium. Watch a few episodes of The Universe on History Channel. Okay, now there's about 100,000,000,000 galaxies with about 500,000,000,000 planets each in them, and we're never getting to any of them any time soon. We can look at them and wonder. And Star Wars, while not "scientifically accurate" or probably anywhere close to realistic, is a wonderful way to let the mind play on the playground of just how big and fascinating of a universe we may well live in.

Movie: Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D

So, my friend Robert calls me, wondering where my rant on this 'piece of shit' movie was... I misquote, he actually had much more colorful words and more creative phaseology, imagining what I would say than had I had anything at that point to say, but I NEEDED to do something else... and my family had... And I didn't call Robert back since I'd fallen asleep on the couch with my wife, right about time that absolutely all hope had flown out the window for the US Men's Gymnastics team grabbing gold had escaped reason. So, sorry Robert.

Huh. Oh, there's a poster... to the left... what do you say, AH Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D!!!!! Yes, we had a pretty damn good time. So, Lemme rail on the sonnavabitch who was behind us, this numbfuck, was encouraging his cumstains of children to misbehave. It get's worse. Having a couple little cumstains that bring ruin to the world is nothing new in a movie theater... It's almost ALWAYS because the parents weren't clobbered by an English teacher when they were growing up so have no IDEA, no CONCEPT that the antonym to the word "YES"... Or that another option even exists.... No CONCEPT of the word..... "NO." Say it to your children often. Have fun saying it Say NO when you want it to be yes. Be driving, on the way TO MC DONALDS.... And when the tyke say... "Can we have McDonalds???" SAY NO! Mommy and I are still deciding on what we're having!!! But, it's not these two brats who were so exceptionally evil as to be noteworthy here.... BUT THE DAD WAS behaving worse than one of his children, just as bad as his favorite child. The father was behaving like a eight year old in PUBLIC! Jackass. So, when in public... Someone may rant about you. Not that anyone will know who you are... I could have made it up. Could have imagined it instead of watching the movie. Maybe. Maybe not.

Anyway,
I don't know if this is actually a movie. My reptilian brain still lingering some control, you know the more primitive part of your brain, the part you had in the 80's, that wants to play with a Rubiks cube, Love cartoons, wants to eat cereal while sitting on pillows, thinks a perfect day can be spent in jammies playing Zelda with your stuffed animals by your side and nothing but a bag of Oreo's to sustain you in between grilled Cheese for lunch and someone ordering Dominoes for dinner.

That part of the brain. Yea, that said this wasn't a movie, but a theme park attraction without the stupid pneumatic gimble. So.... I likey.

This movie was good. It deserves a treat, (This has been inserted as penance for the HELL at the bottom of the next post)

An Andyroonian Thought....

Remember when Hershey's Syrup came in a can, and it'd sit in the refrigerator with those two triangular holes depressed into it at opposite ends of the top... sitting there, waiting. When your mother finally did make you a small cup of chocolate milk, it looked like your glass of milk was being given an oil change. Good times.

Heck, years and years after that, when we had a Sam's membership, RIGHT after they opened, Quick had to be opened with a can opener.

Enjoy the Olympics.

Movie: Hancock Summer movie season almost over...

It's been a damn good summer of movies. I haven't hated a damn thing I saw in a theater. But, if I have to rank them, with my usual system, Each movie vs every other movie on the list, winner gets a point... If it's a tie, both movies get half a point...

Oh, yea, Hancock... Uh... Hancock... Guud... ugh! Seriously, it's good, but a bit of a letdown that almost every set piece was shown in the trailers. The trailers did nothing to ruin the movie, and kudos to that, but a we bit of post AVP syndrome. So a Hancock 2 might salve that over, but, if I don't get one, unlike AVP-R, I won't be heartbroken. Actually, given a choice between a Hancock 2 and a Res Evil 4 / Avp 3 double feature, I'll take the latter!

So the top 10 fo the Summer, that I've seen.... which oddly is 10 movies...

1. Wall-E. Perfect, and wonderful, may Pixar top this with John Carter of Mars!
2. (Tie) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I remember trolling the shelves of bookstores and libraries for everything I could read about ancient astronaughts and UFO's when I was in the later parts of grade school. Oddly, of all of spielbergs alien movies, this one warms the heart of old, dead UFO nut in me the most.
3. (Tie) Hellboy II, Wow, you're pretty. Your world is amazing, the creatures awesome... The full package, and you'll probably get a number of spins on the DVD player, unlike some nut jobs on this list.
4. Iron Man. The new standard for super-hero movies. Give us the world of the comic, there's no reason to seel us short, create a universe between the titles! Keep it up and make mine MARVEL. (That goe's way back)
5. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: I can't believe all the fucking ignorat stupid ass complaints about this movie. "Ble blu blah CG... Blu bea blea acting... Bluh bleia script. Ble bluhh bloorph I don't know how to POOP I'm so STUPID!" Some one commented on some site that a Yeti doing a field goal sign in 1940's China was too "Unbelievable" IT'S a FUCKING YETI!!!!!!!! Did you think they were real? It's a Goddamned movie SERIES about Mummy's COMING BACK TO LIFE!!!! And THE FIELD GOAL joke is a DEAL BREAKER? I'm sorry, I missed the Discovery special about how Yet's behave. They're on their way to Shangri-La. How do you know they don't have Yeti-Football, next to that POOL OF IMMORTALITY!!!! Someone said that they didn't like Indy 4 beacuse it was UFO's and the other Indy movies dealt with things that were "Real." I'm going to go make out with the tooth fairy, get drunk with the boogeyman and we're all going to have an orgy with the monsters under my bed, and let Santa Claus film it. There's a fucking REAL Indy movie for you, Indiana Jones and the North Pole! Pole smoking more like it. And would everyone stop complaining about CG. Pop in a few b list movies from the eighties, like Batman. You'll wish you had some quality CG effects. You know why you don't like CG... Before, when you didn't know how effects were done, you just stared in awe, now, you know they're done, somehow "With a computer." So... so you know movies aren't MAGIC. They're made, and Santa was never real either.
6. Incredible Hulk. "He looks fake".... Did you know it's partially because he's green. Green is a shit color on things, light doen't play on green... that's why green screens are GREEN!
7. The Dark Knight. Why so SERIOUSLY LOW on my list? Your ending. It was illogical and stupid. Pin it on the Jokers goons, show Joker in Arkham, and maybe have blown a boat, and this is at the top of the list, you'd have Wall-E sucking you all night, but Nooooooooooo. You had Gordon do something that's the first image in my head every time I think of the movie. That act, obliterates the Joker from my immediate associations with the movie. The moment itself is actually really cool, it's heartbreaking, I LOVE it when a movie can do that, but the REASON it's done is pure stupidity. Endings count; Empire Strikes Back, PotC Dead Man's Chest, The Usual Suspects... King Kong, Citizen Kane... even Casablanca. Change the ending of any of these and you risk ruining them. To paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen; I know the Empire Strikes Back, I saw Empire Strikes Back in the theater in it's initial run and sir, you are no The Empire Strikes Back!
8. Hancock. I apparently don't hate Dark Knight that much, cause I like this movie, but in a head to head match up it gets less points. You're a good movie, and yet so low on the list, DAMN it's been a GOOD summer of movies!!!!!!!!
9. Speed Racer Mach-6. You could have been at least above Dark knight. WHY a MACH-6.... Oh well.
10. Get Smart. Could have been enjoyed as much as a rental. Wait, rental cheaper, enjoyed MORE?

Well that's the list. Clone Wars is next. It's task is simple, top the list or die trying. Easy bar for a movie... Be at the Top of the list. With Star Wars, James Bond and Harry Potter incoming, the top five may take some hits. I'd say it's the best year IU've ever seen, but NEXT year with Monsters and Aliens, Watchmen and Star Trek... oh, and isn't there Transformers 2? Next year looks even better.

Sunday, I'll take the kids to Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D!!!!!!

Movie: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Wow. Wife and I made a day date of it, had Saint Louis Bread Company for breakfast, you may know them as Panera. She tried some new breakfast sandwich, and didn't like the cheese they stuck on it, other than that a good sandwich, but I don't know that first hand, she had it... Oh, the bacon wasn't crispy! Oh, then we saw Mummy. Good movie. Then, we walked through the mall for just a bit...
Chesterfield Mall kinda sucks. The only good / interesting things in the mall Is right off of that one arm with the movie theater. There you have the theater, the food court (needs.. NEEDS) a Mickey D's BADLY! Better yet, Burger King. I love Burger King! If I were Iron Man, I'd love Burger King too. Actually, If I were Iron Man, I'd have a Burger King, IN MY HOUSE. Anyway, down from that you also have the Starbucks kiosk, and a neat carousel. I've taken my kids on it a few times, so it's obviously not the carousel from Logan's run... Still, neat to have in the mall.
Then, came lunch... CHEEBURGER CHEEBURGER!
Oh, you wonderful place. The bacon was crispy, the cheese, wonderful, the sauces... can have to go lids! I'll be wanting to go here again. More specifically, since my wife and I both think, though not factually accurate, since everything fried there is fried in peanut oil, it'd like really hurt our son, so, it's a date place! Maybe. I hope it is. I know she liked it, but will she want to go back. The local Applebee's let us down the last time. O'Charley's, a one time fave, has been spotty at best, and Cheeburger made a great first impression.

Then we came back, watched Meet the Pres and George Stephanopoluos... then Mirrormask....

It was a good day.

Dark Knight note...

My friend Matt and I, like a number of movie freaks have been watching the horse race of this thing.

But, at the risk of some embarrassment, It'll cross the 500 Million line on September 14.*

*Unless, it does 60 Million plus, in the next seven day period, which I have this irritating trend line saying it might.... But that trajectory would have it cross 500 in just 16 days from now, and movies, well just don't tend to do that. September 14th looks good though... the ugh, August 19th 500 mil mark is from a trend line that I think could be modeled better....